Next Time, Wear A Hat, Sheesh

I have also just realised why it's not a great idea to write rhyming poetry - sounds archaic or childish or like it's meant for children and so cliche. I think it's INTERESTING how you managed to say the same thing four times, but it's also really annoying that there is really not much of anything else in the poem save a girl whose hair is getting ruined. A bit more character description would be lovely, and something NOT hat oriented (though I love the title - however, I also think it's a bit out of place).

I love the way you write in free verse, and I think you should make a decent crack at reworking this in free verse. Many of the problems Galerius pointed out were either to do with rhyme issues or with the rhythm you needed to squash in. To be perfectly honest, rhyme does no justice to the beautiful, simple image, the heartbreaking image, of a girl getting annoyed with her hair falling out of place. It kind of undermines it instead.

I really like this. I think it flowed well and the rhyming was great. At times I felt forced into saying a line in a certain way, but only once or twice and after a second read I didn't feel that way anymore. I also think that "bits" doesn't really fit in with the rest of the rhymes in the fifth stanza. Apart from that, I like the feel of this poem. It was really well written and the description is great. Love the title, too! Good job.

Hi HelpfulMcHelpfulpants,

... and this is the reason why deliberately attempting to rhyme every last word of every line doesn't work when it takes precedence over the poem itself. This was pretty shoddily done. If you're testing the waters, yeah, fine, but I see you've already acknowledge that it's nowhere close to good as is. So...

Helpful McHelpfulpants wrote:tormenting it, like tourists do
a caged animal in a zoo--
it took only a tug or two
of its cold fingers carding through

and broke the calm it had of old--

She did not know any of this:
no doubt I was badly remiss
not to tell her how the sky's kiss
had pulled all her hard work to bits;

that all the words I should have said
stuck in my throat like swallowed thread;

I just wanted to say I loved this. Every once in a while during the poem I would stop and think- how many more ways can they find to say her hair's becoming a mess? But needless to say, you found many, many ways. I thought it would flop at the end of the first stanza, but you pulled it through quite nicely. I also love how you personified this poem like crazy. I could almost see the wisps of her hair getting tangled in the wind. In all, great imagery.

Just a few, very few, nitpicks I found effected the poems overall-great rhythm.

The wind played with her fine fair hair
and worried it, and wove a snare
with the soft strands-- so fine, so fair! I think "through" would work better than with here.
which she had bound up with such care:

tormenting it, like tourists do
a caged animal in a zoo--
it took only a tug or two
of its cold fingers carding through

her tresses that shone wire-bright
for it (her hair) to snap and bite,
to worm out from the ribbons tight
and reach to claw at the cruel blight

that with thin hands of air and cold
had made it wild, mad and bold,
and broke the calm it had of old--
like paper ripped along a fold.

She did not know any of this:
doubtless I was badly remiss I don't know why, but this line is a bit off. Maybe because it starts and ends with a work ending in 'iss/ess'... I may be putting emphasis on the wrong part of the line.
not to mention how the sky's kiss I think it would sound better without 'how'
had pulled all her hard work to bits;

but I was so happy to see
her hair untied, untamed, and free,
the tangles stretching hungrily
after that wind, and after me

that all the words I should have said
stuck in my throat like swallowed thread;
when, unknowing, she pulled ahead,
wordless, I let myself be lead.

I no longer trust you when you say these things. You have toyed with my heart before, Galerius. How do I know you will not do so again? How?

Kekeke, I shall critique this. Watch this space.